Bahar had big dreams. She wanted to go to college, dreamt of being a heart surgeon, maybe because she wanted to mend her own broken heart. She always excelled in school, a straight A student. Bahar was friendly, outgoing, sarcastic, however, she made some bad choices with men from the onset of her dating life. She didn’t always make the best of decisions in that department. but in order to understand why she failed miserably with men, it’s important to understand her history.

Her birth mother was a woman who was never meant to be a mom. She was extremely career driven and super phenomenal at what she did. Her passion was for fashion and that’s where she excelled. She was at the top of her game in the fashion industry at one of the biggest boutiques in Manhattan, right across the street Central Park. She was always meeting celebrities, athletes, dignitaries, taking the whole family to Salt Lake City during the winter to go skiing, fashion shows in Las Vegas, Milan and Venice Italy, however her live-in nanny would always travel with them because she never wanted to be left alone with her child. Truthfully, Bahar’s birthmother probably wouldn’t even know what to do if she were left alone with her daughter.

When Bahar’s parents got married, her birthmother was a spoiled Iranian girl who attended boarding schools in Sweden, partied, smoked, was rebellious. When she was home in Iran, she had live-in staff for everything. She didn’t even know how to cook. Bahar’s father, on the other hand, like every Iranian man, was thrown into the army at 18. He didn’t grow up wealthy, and his mother taught him the basic skills to survive whether it be cooking or cleaning. He, in fact, was the one who taught Bahar’s birth-mom how to cook. Surprisingly, she turned out to be a pretty good cook… when she wanted to.

After Bahar was born, They also taught the live-in nanny who originated from the tropical islands how to cook Middle Eastern food. It wasn’t until Bahar got older, did she understand how cool that was, because Middle Eastern food isn’t always the easiest of things to make. 

In Bahar’s early years, right before her double digits, her parents… well, they fell apart. Her birth mother, made a few mistakes and missteps, trying to get rich quick (even if she was making 6-figures in the early 90’s) and ended up losing her job. However when the CEO realized he needed her to succeed and offered her job back, her pride wouldn’t let her accept. Instead, she tried to start her own fashion company utilizing connections that she had made during her “corporate America” life.

Unfortunately, she didn’t really have a concept of how to manage money. She was used to a certain lifestyle that consisted of shopping regularly at Chanel, Hermes, buying things like limited edition scarves, fancy pocketbooks, shoes, ornaments, the list can go on. She was used to freely spending, driving German and Swedish cars, but you can’t upkeep that life when your husband didn’t make as much as you did. Yes, Bahar’s birth mom made more than her father in the early 90’s! She was trying to hold onto this lifestyle that she just feasibly couldn’t after she lost her job and started her business that, well, as you can imagine ,ended up tanking. Once she filed for bankruptcy to climb herself out of debt, Bahar’s birth mom somewhat lost her mind and her true colors came to the forefront.

They fired the live-in nanny, tensions grew between Bahar’s parents, and eventually, led to a very nasty, bitter divorce. Some of the most traumatizing things happened to Bahar, was due to her birth mom being bitter against her father, and the straw that broke the camel’s back we when Bahar’s parents sold her childhood apartment in the big city. This was one of the most traumatic experiences of this young girl’s life. Even when she became a mom, she remembers the day that she closed the door to her apartment for the very last time; that final walk down her hallway. She remembers the day that her birth mom sat there saying “this is all your father‘s fault” only for her to realize when she’s in her 30s, it wasn’t her father‘s fault it was Bahar’s birth mother’s fault.

Her father tried everything tried to make things as normal as possible. He tried to buy them a new car, tried to be friends with Bahar’s mom. This father was always there for his daughter, whether it be taking her out on weekends or cooking for her, taking her to dinner and the movies on Friday nights, running to school to pick up Bahar when she got sick, even taught her how to play pool. Her father did the most to try to normalize her life as best as he could, but sometimes even the best of efforts can’t mask what’s really happening.

After years of battling, years of listening to her birth mother and her birth mother‘s family bashing and bashing and bashing her father; even taking Bahar to peoples houses and trying to cause rifts between other peoples marriages, putting Bahar on the stand to lie against her father, it was beyond traumatic.

Her birth mother would tell her things like:

• Your father doesn’t love you.
• Your father has other kids in other places!
• Your father wants his gendehs (whore in farsi) and their kids, he never wanted you!
• Your father will leave you on the side of the road with the black garbage bags for the garbagemen to pick up.
• You father only cares about his fucking sister! (Bahar’s birth mom always hated her sister-in-law for being a well-to-do Iranian socialite who still had her wealth post-Iranian Revolution).

Can you imagine the trauma Bahar was put through during the years she should have been learning how to use a training bra? A young girl, going into her double digits. It wasn’t until later on in life when Bahar became a mom did she realize this was abuse. She was being verbally and emotionally abused on a daily basis by the woman that was meant to protect her. 

Well, that’s when Bahar’s fight or flight responses began. She had to learn how to survive and had naturally started compartmentalizing in order to do well in school, interact with her friends, etc. Eventually, and subconsciously, Bahar started moving her clothes to the new 2-bedroom apartment that her dad rented almost 2 years in from the onset of the divorce, yes 2 whole years. Bahar would pack her bag on a Thursday night for Friday to take to father’s place for the weekend and she’d return to her birth mom on Sundays. Oddly, Bahar wouldn’t always bring back all her clothes.

This continued for months and the wildest part of this whole thing was the fact that nobody noticed that Bahar was leaving clothes behind at her dads! She’s not really sure her father ever noticed, but her birth mother sure as hell did not. Why was she doing this?

Her birth mother would spend evening after evening on the phone with her mother overseas just complaining but how terrible her ex-husband was and his family, with a cigarette in one hand and a screwdriver in the other. She was so consumed by her hatred for Bahar’s dad, she would forget to feed her daughter. On occasions, Bahar’s stepmom would pick up McDonald’s on the way home, once in a while pizza for a “treat”, but this young girl at a young age learned how to make easy things like mac’n’cheese and Rice-A-Roni as a staple in her diet because she had to cook for herself, do her homework and get ready for the next day. She had fend for herself.

One Wednesday evening, before a long weekend that Bahar was going to spend with her dad, Bahar’s mother said “you need to start packing your bag for tomorrow so when your father comes to get you, you have clothes to go.” Bahar said “OK” and when she opened the closet door there was only one school uniform hanging and one pair of pants.

FINALLY, this caught her birth mother’s attention and she turned around to Bahar and said “where is all your clothes?!” Bahar didn’t know what to say. They both sat on Bahar’s bed and her birth mother aggressively began interrogations about her clothing. Bahar didn’t know how to reply she just started crying. “I didn’t know your clothes are at your father‘s house. Is that where you want to live with him and his gendehs!!” Bahar’s birth mother aggressively shouted.

Bahar just bawled her eyes out sitting on her bed and at that moment, her birth mother forced her to call her father . She threw the last uniform and piece of clothing hanging in the closet into a bag and demanded for Bahar’s dad to pick her up that evening. Her birth mom said that Bahar was betraying her, but the reality is how do you betray someone who doesn’t have your best interests at heart? Who would have known, that night after Bahar and her father left that apartment, at 10 years old, that would be the last time she spent any “personal” time with her birth mother.